Dear Diary.

I still feel lame writing in this. Need to find a new way to start entries, I guess. But it does help. Writing down all my problems makes them seem small and trapped. There's even a lock on this thing, so they can't get out. Once, when I felt really shitty, I threw this thing against the wall. I can beat up my problems now!

Actually, this entry's not a problem. It's probably the first happy thing I've written in here. Maybe the diamond in the pile of shit, if I can figure out what to make of it. That's what this is for, right?

Look at me. Writing in my diary that even my mother has sworn never to look at, and still stalling.

We've been back on tour a couple of days now. It's good and bad, highs and lows.The lows are already in here. This was one of the highs. We were doing soundcheck... supposed to be doing soundcheck anyway, but there was a technical problem. I was sitting on the side of the stage, trying to figure out which bottle of water belonged to me. Normally, I don't give a rat's ass, but D's coming down with something and I'm not ready to get sick yet.

Nick was fooling around with the drums. Never seems to get enough of those things. I don't see the attraction, but he's pretty good. He'd been checking things out, making sure they were set right or whatever. But that wasn't enough for Nicky. Hell no. Just as I was about to take a swig, he burst into this huge solo thing. Fuck, it was loud. I jumped a foot. Of course, I spilled water all over myself.

True to form, he saw me and started laughing his not-so-little ass off. I cussed him out a little, but he just grinned. "Looks good on ya, Bone," he told me. Nerve of that kid.

You know me, I wouldn't have let him get away with that, except... this sounds dopey but here we go. Our eyes met.

Now I've heard the stuff Kevin said 'bout me and clear eyes. I kinda get what he means, I've seen me in the mirror. But Nick's eyes, man. They had a little extra in 'em. Just a little sparkle down deep. And something in the back of my head said to me "He's finally got that look again." It was the best feeling in the world, I'm telling you.

At first I wasn't even sure what I meant by that. I replayed the moment a thousand times in my head. And just to help me out, he did it again a couple of times in concert - I don't think he knew I saw him. It made me feel warm and want to laugh every time.

I think that extra sparkle is from the place in his eyes where you can always tell what Nick's feeling - if you know him. When you're on all the time like we are, even your eyes start lying. But if you look at Nick just right you can see what he's really feeling. Photo shoots where he looks all pensive, but the light catches it just right and you can see behind to where he's laughing at the photographer. So it tells me he's happy to see me and...

Hey! I just remembered a time he looked at me like that. I switched buses with Howie one time when Brian and Kevin were totally riding me about... something dumb, I bet. It was a couple of years ago. We switched at a truck stop. Nick was asleep and didn't even know it happened. When he came into the lounge he was still a little out of it. I watched the expressions on his face as it slowly dawned on him I wasn't Howie. Just for a second, he gave me that same look. Like I was a special gift he'd been wanting.

I wonder if he stopped looking at me like that, or if I started being too drunk to notice.

The important thing is, I'm noticing again. He still thinks I'm special! And that's maybe the best news I've heard in a while.

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