When his cell phone rang ten minutes before the buses were due to pull out, A.J. knew it was Nick. In the whole history of having five buses, he'd spent maybe ten nights on his own. Kevin had been heard to wonder why they had a fifth bus at all. But Nick was the most social of them. Howie had been the first title-holder of "most likely to touch his fellow Backstreet Boys" but then Nick hit nineteen and decided Brian wasn't the only huggable guy in the group. A.J. thought it had something to do with surviving 1998 -- he wasn't sure.

"Hey Nick. There's room here if you want it. My mom wants to watch a movie."

"Uh... hi Aje." Hmm. Nick wasn't usually hesitant about inviting himself onto people's buses. "I was kinda wondering if... uh... you wanted to hang out on my bus."

A.J. blinked. Looked at the phone. Put the phone back to his ear again. "You sure you even remember what that looks like?"

"Of course!" Nick was indignant. "It's the one that doesn't belong to anyone else."

They both laughed.

"It could have cobwebs."

"Nah, I've been lending it out to the dancers. The girls wouldn't let spiders in."

"And where are the girls tonight? Or are you inviting me to an orgy?" A.J. caught his mother's eye and winked. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh yeah. That's it." Nick was also the best of them at sarcasm.

When the silence held for a minute or so and Nick didn't reissue the invitation, A.J. realised something really was up. "I'll grab some stuff. Don't leave without me, man."

"Cool." Did Nick sound relieved? "We won't."

A.J. decided it was beyond silly that he really did have to think "That one's Kevin's, that one's Howie's, that one's Brian's... ah ha." The fans probably knew Nick's bus better than he did. For that matter, the fans probably knew Nick's bus better than Nick did.

The driver opened the door when he waved. "Mr. Carter is in the back somewhere, Mr. McLean."

"Tell me he doesn't make you be that formal."

He got a grin in reply. "You think I see him often enough to call him "Nick"?"

"Right." He shifted his knapsack and peered into the bus. "Anyone else here?"

"Not a soul. It's going to be a quiet ride tonight."

"Guess so. See ya later." A.J. moved through the seating area and kitchenette, deposited his bag on one of the four bunks, kicked off his shoes and found Nick in the back.

His friend didn't acknowledge his entrance. He was sitting on the couch with his sketchbook propped on his knees. A set of pencils lay beside him. His glasses glinted in the light while fingers moved swiftly across the page, capturing whatever image lay in his imagination. A.J. leaned against the wall and watched in silence. The bus hummed beneath them as they traveled down the highway.

Finally, Nick dropped his pencil, studied the image critically for a moment and exhaled. He looked up.

"Hi."

"Hey. Can I see?"

"Maybe later." A.J. accepted that. Nick's art tended to be a very personal thing.

"Now that I'm here..." He dropped onto the carpeted floor. "What's the plan?"

Nick squirmed. "No plan."

"I made the journey all the way over to this bus for no reason?" he teased gently.

Nick closed his book, slipping it and his pencils onto a shelf. "You were antsy tonight," he observed.

"True." Normally, he would have lied about this. The guys were all so anxious for him to recover, he didn't like to worry them when things weren't hard, just a little annoying. Nick couldn't read him the way Howie could, but he saw things. If he'd decided it was time to discuss them, well... A.J. was supposed to be facing things, wasn't he?

"I..." Nick licked his lips nervously, picking his words. "I know that... you went off on your own to do a lot of that stuff."

"To drink."

He nodded, accepting the correction. "To drink. So.. I know you're on tight watch. You don't get to be alone much."

"Uh huh."

"You've always needed some time to yourself." Nick shifted a little. "I guess, um, everybody does. Sometimes. So um... I thought... remember when we used to do homework?"

"They used to lock us in a hotel room together until we were done? Yeah." A.J.'s eybrows rose. "You gonna lock me up someplace, Nicky?"

"No!" He shook his head in violent denial. "I just... we'd do our own thing in that room. Didn't bug each other... much." A mischevious grin lit up his face for a moment. "It was like being alone. I guess... I thought maybe if you needed some solo time... we could try it again? 'Cause... I kinda miss it."

Something in Nick's tone made A.J.'s eyes water. "That long ago, Nick? Did I start fucking up that long ago?"

"Fuck!" Nick slid down to the floor. "Aje... no." He pulled his sniffling groupmate in for a hug. "You grew up. What were you gonna do, sit around doing nothin' when I was still doing homework every day?"

"But..."

"We haven't spent a shitload of time together since then, sure." Nick squeezed tighter. "Things change. Not everything is your fault, Alex."

Alex. It was rapidly becoming a sort of safe word, when people thought he might be losing perspective. Hearing it fall soft and earnest from Nick's lips made A.J. feel warm inside. He let Nick cuddle him for a few moments longer before sitting up to wipe his eyes.

"God, I'm a mess." Nick patted his shoulder without comment. He sighed. "It's... it's a good idea. It could work."

"We don't even have to talk," Nick assured him. "And if you get restless we can ride hotel elevators or something."

A.J. laughed. That was another thing they hadn't done in ages. Nick smiled in answer. For a moment, A.J. saw "that look" hovering in his eyes, but then the light from the lamp glinted off Nick's glasses and it was gone.

They sat staring at each other neither knowing quite what to do next.

"Um... so... pick a spot." Nick began. He waved at the mixing board across from him. "If you wanna work there's that, and.. y'know..."

A.J. nodded wordlessly, suddenly hating the awkwardness in the air. It was the kind of thing he needed to escape for a while. Escape and think about. He stood, leaving Nick on the floor.

A.J. stared out the window, watching the moonlit world go by in silence. He'd forgotten how quiet a bus could be, how easy it was to be alone and think at two in the morning. Having five buses was supposed to have meant more space, less cluster, but each of them had developed their own type of entourage, who filled the space left by the missing bandmates. Except Nick.

Sure, Aaron joined the tour once in a while. Or someone from Nick's charity would need to be around for a day or two. But where A.J. had his mom, Howie had his entire extended family, Brian and Kevin had their wives... Nick had no one. Or, A.J. thought, deciding he was in a very Alex mood, everyone had Nick. Without anyone really noticing, little Nicky Carter had become the glue that bound the group together. It was an astonishing revelation, but it seemed so obvious. Maybe if he'd thought about things more often he'd have noticed sooner.

Nick was always there. A reassuring hand, a shoulder to lean on, a joke when it was needed. He'd always been a good listener -- in the old days he'd listened intently to all the stories and life advice his friends would share with him. Now he was listening to problems, seldom giving advice or judgement, just sitting there listening. And for A.J. specifically, there was always a protective gesture once or twice during a concert. An extra smile. A switch of topic in an interview, or declaration of support. Little things. Like noticing when he needed to be alone.

Ideas buzzed around his head, trying to tell him something, but stubbornly refusing to coalesce into one clear picture. He got up from his seat, stretching out the kinks. Maybe Nick would know. Of course, Nick was probably asleep.

But the light was still on at the back of the bus. Nick was still awake, staring at his sketchbook, waiting for inspiration.

"Nick..." He wasn't sure what he was going to say. Maybe just "Good night," who knew? Because then Nick opened his mouth.

"I'm in love with you." It was a quiet statement of fact, made more to the sketchbook than to A.J.. A.J.'s mouth moved but no sound came out. "Have been for years. Never meant to tell you, but I think I'm getting a little obvious lately, so I thought I'd better say something."

A.J. blinked. Twice. Nick still wasn't looking at him. He didn't look unhappy, worried, scared, anything. Just a little spacey. A.J. wondered if he'd eaten something that had been in the bus fridge since the first leg of the tour. Need to say something. Right. "Well, that was romantic." Oops. Possibly not that.

Now Nick did look at him. He smiled a little, with sad eyes. "Same ol' Bone. Don't worry, it won't change anything."

"But..." Hello? How could it not? Knowing that all those little things were done, not because he was one of the guys, but because he was him. He was assailed with images of other little things. Part of the stage act, right? When Nick looked at him with that wicked, sexy grin. Glanced over as he asked "Am I sexual?" Stroked A.J.'s shoulder as he said "Heck, even Howie thinks they look good."

Wait, stop. "You want me?" Love was one thing, but dealing with little Nicky having thoughts like that about him was a completely different story.

This time Nick grinned. His glasses slid down his nose and he gave A.J. one slow, apraising look. His eyebrow rose slowly. Oh help. He was licking his lips again. And when he spoke, his voice was complete phone sex. "How could I not?"

The bus, in its neglected condition, was definitely having climate control problems. A.J. swallowed hard as Nick continued to look, apparently deciding he'd been given permission. Nicky was all grown up now. It was dangerous to forget these things. As he turned away, muttering something about sleep, he heard Nick's low chuckle rumble after him.

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