"Rok gets the idea, *that* will make her feel safe." A.J. nodded approvingly. "Did she say why she won't let you in?"
"She doesn't think I love her, she says it's like... a habit. I miss the idea of her more than I really miss her."
"If you're always taking her for granted like that, I can see why she'd think that," Kevin agreed.
"Always? What do you know about our relationship?" Nick bristled.
"I know what I saw. I also know we all do it from time to time, putting off phone calls, or leaving her alone when she visits, because she just isn't as demanding or annoying as that producer or this choreographer or those reporters."
"And in this case, that other girlfriend," A.J. put in. "She's been second-string for a long time."
"She's never been second!" Nick declared hotly.
"Y'ain't showing it. After that kiss backstage, you backed off. Hell, even that atom argument, how many times have you had that one?"
"A few," he admitted.
"You need to show her what she's worth to you. You have the world's greatest advantage and you're not even using it."
"Huh?"
"Nicky," Howie began explaining slowly. "You're not thinking. You've been in her head. You have her memories. You know what she wants, what she likes. What she secretly likes, even though she'd never admit it. Use that."
"Give her the moon if she wants it. Make her an offer she can't refuse... then make good on it."
Deciding they'd said enough, the Backstreet Boys left Nick to contemplate everything he knew but never really paid attention to about Lina.
"What's wrong?" Suzanne asked without looking up from her typing. The fact that her trying-to-be-former teammate had even asked for an anchor told Suzanne things were messed up indeed. The jumble of emotions she felt when Lina connected confirmed her intuition.
Lina stood in the middle of the room like a student about to recite a lesson."I... I went to visit Nick tonight. In public." she replied in French, apparently not messed up enough to keep from being considerate.
Suzanne turned away from her keyboard. "Oh dear. From the beginning, let's hear it."
Lina shared her memories of the past twenty-four hours or so. Once the older woman had a chance to assimilate the information, she concluded, "It's always been him taking me for granted or me pushing him away, we're always at arm's length. It took so much for me to go to him, to stop running or hiding... and when I got there, it seemed like he couldn't care enough to break the cycle. Am I running scared again, or am I right?"
"He's being thick-headed, certainly. And you have reason to be scared, although if you'd *told* me what was bothering you..." Suzanne dismissed the thought for later. "But are you sure you're running from him?"
"I..."
"You were thinking of letting him in again, you did the fire trick and you found out that Nick, who always holds *you* back, can lose control. Even if he was doing everything else right, I imagine it would have taken some will power to keep you from running."
Lina bit her lip. "You're right, I guess." She finally sank into the comforting depths of Suzanne's brown leather chair. The chair was an old friend, a place from which she had recited her troubles almost since her emergence. Suzanne was more than a teammate, she was Lina's mentor. She had leaned almost exclusively on Nick in recent years, but it was nice to be back.
The older woman broke into her reflections. "He still doesn't know, does he?"
"That I'm protecting him? No." Her expression turned fierce. "And you won't tell him, either."
"I never have." Suzannne grew thoughtful. "If he doesn't truly love you he'd never take the chance anyway."
"I know." Lina closed her eyes, trying to escape the whole thing.
"So why not tell him?"
"And face another rejection?" she shook her head, still not looking at Suzanne. "Suzanne, I don't know what would be worse, Nick not wanting to try, or watching him die because he loves me."
"There is a third..."
"And least likely possiblity." Now Lina didn't just look, she glared. "Didn't we have this talk years ago? The roles have switched," she accused.
"You're no longer a giddy teenager with a crush on someone barely old enough for high school."
"And your opinion of his power level?"
"Has not changed. His level of skill certainly has. That could make the difference."
"For God's sake, don't give me hope *now*." Lina got up from the chair, moving restlessly around the room. Suzanne watched her quietly.
"You've been hopeless for months."
"Better no hope than false hope." Her hand trailed along a row of books. "I know what I felt. I can't touch his mind again. I'll know now, and feel it always."
"Melodrama always was one of your favourite sheilds," Suzanne observed dryly. "Has it occurred to you that neither of you were thinking rationally then? You went in almost totally on emotion. He didn't reject you."
"He didn't respond to me either."
"What happened to the seventeen year old who was desperate to hang on to her love against all odds?"
Lina's voice went hard and bitter. "She grew up."
"Always so afraid to take a leap."
The books rumbled on their shelves. Lina whirled to face her mentor. "Dammit Suzanne, you're baiting me! What is it you don't want to say?"
As if she'd been waiting months for her cue, Suzanne nodded and dropped her bombshell. "Some of this is my fault."
Lina stared at her open-mouthed.
"Two days after Nick woke up, he realised you weren't in his head. I was monitoring him. He started withdrawing almost immediately, I had to act fast." Clinical tones hid her embarrassment.
Lina wanted to ask, needed to know, but her brain had quit working and her mouth was useless as a result.
"I put in a mental block. It was very easy, he was already putting up a few himself to protect from the trauma of the accident. I thought he'd wear it down in a few days, a week, sometime when he was stronger, and you were stronger." She shrugged helplessly.
"I..." Lina shook her head. "I know where you're coming from. And it still hurts."
"I'm not sorry for what I did - I wasn't imagining how badly he reacted or how little equipped he was to deal with the pain." Suzanne looked her straight in the eye. "And you would have gone after him and either not been able to pull him out or not been able to pull either of you out."
"But you were always against..."
"I still think it's likely you'll hurt him, but you're miserable without each other. I can't stand in the way any longer."
"Thanks... for that." It was something Suzanne needed to hear. "I need to think about this. And sleep. I..." With a wordless shrug she headed home.
Why does every answer just make me more confused?