Lina woke up slowly as was her wont. She was warm, comfortable and safe. She would have to get up and start getting ready for work in half an hour but for now the real world could wait. She rolled over to reset her alarm, then stopped, realising it wasn't the alarm that had woken her up. One clue was that the clock read 6:45 am. The other slight hint was Nick, sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her fondly. He'd been stroking her hair, she realised.
"Am I dreaming?" she asked softly.
"Nope," he replied with a smile.
The real world wasn't scheduled to invade until 7:30. That included the whole Nick mess. Which meant that this was definitely not the real world. So, she pushed back the questions and simply smiled back.
"I missed you."
"Missed you, too." He patted her knee. "Sit up."
Obediently, she pulled herself into a sitting position.
"I thought you'd have a sheild around the room," he remarked casually as he arranged himself to sit crosslegged, facing her.
"Some nights," she agreed. "I forgot last night."
"What happened?"
Lina shrugged. "My visit yesterday took a lot out of me. Too tired to think of it, I guess."
"That's not what I meant." He was still gentle but his eyes were serious, determined. "What happened that night?"
"Not now, Nick."
"Yes, now. Right now, in the," he checked her clock "Forty-two minutes between sleep and the real world, is our time. We can't talk about this in the real world, we both know that. And you won't let me in whether you're awake or asleep. So now is the only time where I can find out what happened that just destroyed everything we had. And if you don't tell me I'm going to lose it, because I don't remember. I don't know what I did, or what you did, or what the hell *happened* to blow my heart to bits."
"If you understand, you'll..."
"Try and talk you out of this. Of course. Did you really think I wouldn't try anyway?"
"Took you awhile," she pointed out.
Nick frowned. "I'm still working on that one. It *doesn't* mean I don't need you. It just means I can survive without you. We knew that already."
Lina was silent and Nick knew he'd hit a nerve.
"See, I still know what you're thinking even when you won't let me in." He leaned over and took one of her hands in both of his. "Tell me what sent you running and we'll work it out together."
Lina avoided his gaze, thinking. If I tell him, he's going to make an excuse, we'll be stuck back in the same evil pattern and eventually he'll leave anyway. But her eye fell on A.J.'s letter. I push him away too much. This one at least, is his choice too.
She saw the surprise on Nick's face when she raised her eyes, nodded, and began to talk.
"Everything was normal at first. I mean, you were paralysed, were losing blood, had a head wound and that mangled arm, but it was *you*. You're so stubborn that at the back of my mind I always assumed I'd get you out in time." She bit her lip, already getting upset.
"But you were so tired. You started leaning on me before I even got you conscious and it just got worse. You were awake by force of will... your dumbass need to get them all out yourself!" she snapped at him, eyes wet. "You didn't trust me to do it? I could have. If you'd just let me get you out of there first..." Nick couldn't read her mind but he knew what else she was thinking.
"It was my choice. If you'd fought me I would have died on the way out."
"This is worse!" she yelled. "If you were dead, at least I'd never have to face the fact that when it gets down to your very core, *you don't want me*!"
Lina was shaking violently now and Nick grabbed her to keep her from hurting herself.
"Lina?" her father called in from the hall, still half-asleep. Nick flicked the TV on loud and did his best Lina imitation.
"Huh? I can't hear you over the TV, Dad!"
"Oh," Mr. Allen replied and continued on his way downstairs.
There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. Nick had never felt so helpless. Lina's sheilds were still up tight against him, she didn't want any mental comfort. All he could do was be there while she let it all out.
The idea that he didn't want her was completely ludicrous. It was also her biggest fear, a large part of why she had always held back from merging her mind completely with his. That the person closest to her in the world would reject her, the same way she ultimately rejected herself... He wondered at the bizarre sense of loyalty that had kept her from running away immediately, and ultimately saved his life.
But what had he done? He racked his brains, trying to dredge up memories of that night. A sudden thought of A.J.'s horrendous singing performance flickered past, but nothing else.
When she was all cried out, Lina pulled away from him and sat up again. "You still want me to go over all of it," she stated in resignation, knowing him too well. He nodded.
She began a monotone recitation. "Once you got Kevin out, you stopped trying. You let go of me, you just wanted to lie there and rest. Without me holding you up, you didn't have much energy to use for living -- you pulled back into your safe place. I had to get a boost to go after you. I begged you to wake up, reminded you it meant dying if you stayed there -- no reaction. I threatened you, pleaded with you not to leave me -- no reaction. It wasn't until I reminded you that *they*..." her voice broke again, "they needed you -- then you reached out just enough for me to pull you out."
Lina sighed again but she had no tears left to cry. "When I woke up, I hoped I was hallucinating. Then Jacob told me you needed them to wake you up. I knew it was over."
Nick didn't know what to say. Something in her story sounded wrong but his memory refused to provide evidence to back up his instincts.
"You don't remember, so don't try to argue with me on interpretation," Lina continued in the same dull tone. He challenged her anyway.
"If I subconsciously don't want you, why am I doing the furniture trick every night?"
"The... Nick you pulled that for *homesickness*. I know you miss me, but you miss me like you miss a cavity once it's out; it wasn't good for you, but you forgot what it was like not to have it."
"Would you shut up?" he groaned, frustrated. "You are not a cavity!" Nick glared at her worldlessly until he had calmed down a little. He reached out and traced her jawline with one finger, searching her deep green eyes. "Don't you *want* to look for another answer?"He watched her body relax at his touch, as it always did, no matter how angry or scared she was. "If you really, truly don't want me anymore, I'll deal with it. But if you just left 'cause you thought I was going to leave first..."
She dropped her eyes.
"Tell me right now that you don't want to see or feel me ever again and I'll leave," he demanded. He caught Lina's chin, forced her to meet his eyes again. He saw terror reflected in her eyes. This wasn't where she wanted to go with this. Her mouth worked, trying to form the words... then she tore herself out of his grasp, looking away.
"Nick just go!" The words were shaky at best. Nick had his answer.
"Howie's kind of right, as much as I hate to admit it," he mused, watching her. "This is about control. You're afraid of losing control - but not of me, of yourself."
She nodded without looking at him.
"What's wrong with losing control sometimes?" he asked softly. He didn't expect an answer , and got none. To tell him would have been to completely lose whatever control she had left of the situation and Lina just couldn't do that.
"Please Nick, go away." He had pushed her farther than he'd meant to, but he'd gotten *somewhere*.
"I will... on one condition."
...
"If you've got any free time after work, come spend it with us. Watch the show, really meet the guys... work on this a little more, if you're up to it."
"In public?" She stared at him in shock.
"Yeah, in public. In the real world. You and me."
"I..."
"Don't say no," he coaxed, then grinned at her. "Otherwise I'll be stuck here all day and people will get pissed off at me."
"I'll be there." It was barely audible, but it was a promise. Satisfied, he leant over and kissed her on the forehead quickly.
"See you tonight."