He knows.
Suzanne's words reverberated around Lina's head until she was sure she was going to scream. He knows. She knew it had to happen eventually, that no matter how much his Backstreet family meant to him he'd notice she wasn't there one day. She hadn't known it would hurt so much.
Hands shaking, she turned on her stereo, turned it up loud to drown out the horrible clamour in her mind.
Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes and I am taken to a place
Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine just like...
Lina lashed out for the skip' button. It was going to be a long time until she could listen to that song again.
Once upon a time, it had been among her favourites. The opening lines described perfectly how things were between her and her partner, Nick. It had never gone to the physical level the rest of the song described, but anytime either one of them needed a friend, that was all they needed to do. Close their eyes, and reach out for that faint tickle in the back of the mind that was the familiar, reassuring presence of the other. No matter how far away, no matter what was going on, that presence had always been there.
Deep down Lina had known that one day, things would change. That day had come when she had nearly lost her Nick to death. He pulled through, but she lost him anyway - to the Backstreet Boys. Now, he didn't need his secret confidante, the one person who understood everything - because his best friends now knew everything too. There wasn't anything he couldn't tell them anymore - what use was she? What hurt most was that now, when her heart was aching, she had no one to reach out to anymore.
It was her own fault, in a way. She had let him go freely, when she knew he wasn't going to live for her sake. And once she had let go, she had to stay away. Had to shut herself away from him as he had shut himself away from the world. The feelings of his nearest and dearest could reach him - her hurt, betrayal and loneliness would have caused him more pain, even miles away as she was. Their connection had been that strong.
Once she had shut it down, there had never been a reason to open it again. She did what she could to keep him alive, then left, unable to face the new reality.
Now, he knew she was gone. Would she have to endure his well- meaning questions? Or worse, would he accept what everyone had always told them was meant to be, and let her go?
"I'm so confused." Usually, a sentence like this would come out of the mouth of Nick Carter in an immature whine, or a melodramatic moan. This time it was a simple, quiet statement, full of pain. "She's my partner, she's always been there. How did I miss this? For two months!"
"You've kind of had stuff on your mind, Nick." Brian reminded him dryly. They were sitting in Brian's backyard, watching Tyke and Littyleigh chase each other around.
"It shouldn't have mattered," he ground the words out as if it was hard to slow down and sort things out enough to speak them. "I... she... argh!" An empty lawnchair went flying across the lawn. Brian went a little pale.
"Nick, cool it!" Kevin ordered. "You came here to talk, not destroy Brian's backyard."
Nick didn't answer for a moment. He was bent over, his head in his hands, shaking in his effort to control himself. Eventually he sat up again. "Sorry Rok. You know I'm not good at talkin' about this stuff. Right now there's so much to deal with..."
"Is there somebody else who could help you?" Brian asked gently. "It's easier mind to mind, ain't it?"
Nick opened his mouth to answer, then closed it. Tears began to trickle down his cheeks as he shook his head no.
"He used to go to Lina for stuff like this." Kevin recalled some of the stories Nick had told him over the past few weeks. He moved to rub his young friend's shoulder.
"What a mess," Brian murmured. "We'll do what we can, Nicky. Just gonna take a little longer."
"D'you need us back in Orlando?" Kevin volunteered.
"No. You'll be back for rehearsals on Monday anyway," Nick sighed, wiping away tears. "It's not an emergency. I waited two months to notice..." He shook his head again at the thought. "I just needed to run, y'know. I'll be ok at A.J.'s."
"What were you doing at his place, anyway?"
"Mandy's...shit. Mandy."
"What about her?"
Nick thought about the myriad of complications his girlfriend presented to the whole problem, but mentioned only the simplest one; "She wants to come on the rest of the tour."
Brian groaned. This wasn't the most pleasant of prospects even when Nick wasn't going through some kind of crisis. Mandy was a highly perceptive young woman, who liked to in the know. It wasn't easy to keep a secret around her. Having her around while Nick was in this state, over another woman, no less, was just a bad idea.
"You can't just tell her no?"
Brian and Nick both shot Kevin a look. "Kev, he was in an accident. She's barely seen him since then. And as you were sayin' this morning, the rescheduling means we've lost a couple opening acts."
"Plus, the fans have been pretty down on her for not taking better care of me," Nick added. It was Kevin's turn to roll his eyes.
"How does she survive? She cares so much about what your fans think, but no matter what she does they're not going to like her. If she comes on tour Mandy will just be closer to all the accusations."
Nick shrugged. "She cares. It's her career."
"But... whatever. Your girlfriend. Do we want her to open for us in Calgary, or let them look for someone else?"
They discussed tour issues for another hour or so before Nick headed back to Florida. The talk hadn't really helped him sort things out, but he was at least getting over his first shock. He'd find a way to figure things out.
The song is "I Want You" by Savage Garden