"What happened when you emerged?"
"I..." But Nick was on a roll, thinking aloud, and wouldn't let her finish.
"You've always held back when we merged. I thought it was just an *idea*, like, you were all there, just not.. I don't know.. connected right or something. I never realised you were holding back an actual part of your mind."
"Nick..."
"But there's like... three months missing. One second it's like.. March and the next it's the middle of June and... hell, I don't even know when you met Suzanne."
"I know..."
"You were *six*! What the *fuck* happened that you don't think I can take?"
"Nick-el-o-de-on!" Lina shook her partner until he came back down to earth and blinked at her. "Let me talk!" she cried in fond exasperation.
He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."
"Just... don't freak out in advance okay?" she let go of him and breathed deeply. "This is hard enough."
"I'm not going to..."
"Don't make promises you can't keep Nickelodeon." The pet name again.
They lapsed into silence for a while. Nick heard those wheels going again, but this time he didn't interrupt.
"Eighteen years of bottling this up, a million moments of wanting to tell you, and I still don't know where to start." Lina admitted finally.
"Would it be easier to let me, y'know -- see it?" At the pained look on her face, he rushed on. "I mean if it's too hard to relive then, nevermind."
"No, you're probably right," she conceded. "I... it's just going to be hard."
"Your choice."
"Not entirely." But Lina began rearranging the pillows against the headboard until she could sit comfortably with her back against them. She crossed her legs and reached out both hands to Nick. He arranged himself similarly, facing her.
"You're sure..?"
"Nick shut up and give me your hands!" she snapped. He shrugged and linked his hands with hers.
She pulled him in with such vehemence it almost hurt, not giving him a moment to get comfortable or notice anything else before he was slammed into the memory
A snowball slams into Lina's small body, knocking the wind out of her. There isn't much snow left in the yard this close to spring, but her classmates are making use of what they can find. She isn't entirely sure what she's done this time. She's beginning to learn that it doesn't make much difference anyway. Someone had decided she'd make a good target and here she stands, taking it. Too proud to run home, too hopeless to defend herself.
Another hit, and she gasps for air.
"Gonna cry, cry-baby?" Tony sneers at her.
She will not cry. He wants her to cry and so she will *not*. Lina bites the inside of her lip and struggles to control her breathing.
"*Cry!*" Snow right in her face, hard, cold, obscuring her vision, tasting vaguely of salt. She cannot suppress a whimper of pain and hears the mocking laughter. They got what they wanted. Something inside her goes cold as she struggles to clear her eyes.
"You're going to be sorry," she states. She is pouting a little, but not yelling - not yet. Anger wells up inside her like a nameless power.
"Are you going to tell your Mommy?"
"Oh, I'm *so* scared!"
The anger blinds her and for a moment she is inside one of her revenge fantasies. Forgetting this is a world without magic, she glares at the offending gloved hands...
Her agressors are screaming and so is she as the stench of burning flesh reaches her nostrils and she cannot stop it, cannot make it go away what's going on whathaveIdone?? I didn't mean it!
Nick jolted them both out of the memory, knowing that neither of them could take much more. The afterimages haunted him as he blinked them away but Lina seemed lost in the memory. She wasn't screaming, but her body shook as she wept silently, fear and guilt radiating off of her.
He knew better than to touch her, instead letting concern, warmth and love flow out while he spoke.
"You were only six, Lina. You didn't know what you could do. Even if we lived somewhere it was talked about, it's not supposed to be able to happen until puberty."
He was reaching her, slowly.
"And don't tell me you scarred anyone for life, except yourself," he continued. "Everyone on the continent felt that, someone must have come in and done a coverup, including healing."
The tears stopped but Lina's eyes were still haunted.
"Why didn't anyone tell you this *then*?" Nick demanded. "Suzanne just let you walk around with all that..."
Lina's hand was on his wrist before he could react, pulling him in again. What she showed him this time wasn't an actual memory, but a nightmarish mishmash of events. Comfort from people even as she sensed their underlying fear. Understanding that she had not caused irreparable damage... this time. That these things wouldn't happen again.. if she could learn to control herself. She had to learn control fast. Control of her emotions and control of her power. She could never let herself get that upset again. No more slips, no more cries of pain ringing in her ears. Daily training, training for hours; sheilds, blocks, never let it out, don't ever let anyone in.
Don't you see? Lina whispered as he watched. You're asking me to lose control. The stink of burning flesh filled his nostrils again, but it was his own face he saw contorted in pain. You're asking me to risk doing that to you.
She dropped the connection and waited.
"How long have you been carrying that around?" was the only thing he could think to ask.
"Since about the time you decided to stop hating me and let me teach you," she admitted quietly.
"It took you this long to tell me?"
Her fingers worked uselessly. "There was always some other reason we couldn't be together, temporary reasons that let us hope that someday... It was selfish, but I didn't want to lose you."
"Forever having the cake without eating it?"
Her own words, from that old fight with Suzanne. "Yeah."
He sighed and stood up. "I'm fucking tired of this."
"Yeah." The words pulled at her heartstrings, but she kept her tone neutral. Nick began pacing.
"No matter what I try, it's never good enough to get what I want. And this is it, isn't it?"
Lina closed her eyes, struggling for composure.
"There isn't a someday for this one. This is who you are. Why the hell did I have to fall for you?"
Statue. Statues don't cry, don't feel.
"This is a total no-win situation. Either I live my life without you, because we both know we can't do this halfway anymore, or I die for one moment of... everything." He stopped in his tracks and looked her. "Lina, say something."
"I can't," she admitted, willing her voice to be strong. "You have to decide this on your own. If I think *anything* I did swayed you either way..."
"Don't be stupid. This is about you as much as it's about me. Our whole nine years will sway me one way or another."
Lina didn't trust herself to say another word. Nick sighed and sat on the bed again.
"You were angry," he reasoned, half to himself. "You wanted something bad to happen. Isn't it possible..."
She shrugged wordlessly.
"I need to talk this out. I need a sounding board, and you can't be one right now can you?" At the slow shake of her head, he reached out to smooth her hair. "That took a lot out of you, and you're close to hysterical still, I can feel it. You should get some sleep. I'm going to find Alex, no, Brian."
She busied herself with replacing the pillows and getting under the sheets, until his voice entered her mind and froze her again.
Come with me?