Nick didn't make any comments through the whole recital, which ended up being a rehashing of the entire few days by all four guys. At the end of it Nick was so pale Brian was hovering, practically waiting for his best friend to faint. It took him a long time to get it together well enough to speak.
"I knew parts of that. Kind of. I mean I know it was you guys that got me out, and I pretty much remember when you came in to drag me out."
"You've already thanked us for that," Howie pointed out.
"Stop avoiding it."
"Can I be overwhelmed for just one second more, Alex?" he inquired sarcastically.
"No. Time's up," A.J. insisted. "You barely listened to the parts that didn't involve Lina. You've already thought about it, start talking. I know there's like, 6 million emotions right now. Pick one, start talking."
The two men stared at each other across the room. It was Nick who had to turn away.
"Dammit." He spoke almost to himself, "I never get to do stuff the easy way. The only way I could deal with this was to be happy about it, relieved, or angry at her. I killed "relieved" on Monday. Now you've gone and replaced "angry" with more "guilty"."
"Relieved?" Kevin ventured, surprised.
"I was, a little." he admitted, picking at the rug. "I always felt guilty about the whole Mandy/Lina situation. One day I was gonna have to make a choice. Lina made it for me when she left. Suddenly everything was easier - it was just me and Mandy, no problem."
"Except one," A.J. put in quietly.
"Yeah..." he sighed. "I always knew what my choice was going to be when it finally came down to it, and it wasn't Mandy. That finished off "relieved". Once feeling down, a million to go."
"I don't get how we managed to stop you feeling angry," Howie spoke up. "She's *gone*. She left you, no goodbyes, no explanation, she's *avoiding* you... why can't you be mad at that?"
"Because I *know* her." Knowing they all thought he was insane, Nick sought a way to explain. "It's part of being a partnership," he struggled with the words. A.J. bit his lip as Nick broadcast the idea. It was on the abstract level that Mindi sometimes called "the language of the mind", a language he wasn't anywhere near mastering yet. "We're... we *were* always connected, most of the time she was just a presence in the back of my mind but sometimes it was...not one mind, but..."
"I thnk I know, sort of," Brian tried to help out. "I was still me, when we were connected, but if you had the answer to something I needed to know, I suddenly knew it."
"That was...close." Nick's tone made it clear that it was a pale imitation. "I have all of her memories. I can stand back and analyse them, if I remind myself they're not mine. So I know her better than she knows herself."
"It goes both ways?" A.J. asked. Nick nodded.
"I *can't* be angry at her. Now I know she threw herself into saving me, and she couldn't. It's not like she abandoned me, walked away when I needed her. *That* I wouldn't understand, and I could get really pissed off at her. She fought for me every way she could and I bet you a million bucks if you guys had messed up she would've tried to help. I would have done it for her. We've always been there for one another, for everything..." Nick's voice dropped to a whisper. He stared at the rug, lost in memory. A.J. felt an overwhelming loneliness rise up and almost swallow him.
"I know *why* she does everything, except this. Whatever it is, she doesn't want me to know what happened. She's hiding behind walls the way she used to when she was hurting, blocking me out." He looked over at A.J. "She's hiding from *me*."
"I'd still be mad," Kevin shook his head, not quite getting it, but willing to be supportive.
"I miss her so much."
"Go see her," A.J. urged. "*Tell* her that. Fuck, I can feel it, you wouldn't have to say anything."
"Yeah, I would." Nick sat up. "Stuff like this has to be said. It's not enough to let her feel it, that's... it's not enough work. And if I say it wrong..." he shook his head. "Not yet."
A.J. crept into his house a little later. Amanda was curled up on a couch in the back room, Panda and Bear watching her closely. She looked up as he entered and smiled tentatively. "Nick's ok?"
"No, but he's working on it," he shrugged. "Are you ok?"
"Pretty close," she made room for him on the couch. He stretched out along its length and pulled her into his arms. She lay against his chest, thinking. He was tempted to listen in, but caught himself.
"I'm okay with it in general," Amanda mused aloud. "But this is *you*. I live with you, I make love to you. The idea that you can read my mind..."
"I can turn it off, y'know. Mindi's teaching me to get a handle on it."
"Lydia always says, if she can resist the impulse to get into her boyfriend's head during sex, it's a good bet she doesn't need to be with him." She looked up at him. "It's like the need to share the moment completely... you haven't felt anything like that?"
Her hurt washed over him. A.J. thought about it, had there been a difference lately? Answer, anyone? He sighed, stroking her hair the way she liked it, until Amanda was nearly purring, although he could tell she was still waiting for an answer. "Nick's right. It's so hard to think up what to say."
"Think up?" She tensed again.
"Shh," he dropped a kiss into her hair. "No lies, remember?"
"Better not be."
"I'm only a receiver, Manda. I can't get into your head, I can only listen. I'm not sure you're not saying anything up there that I don't already hear."
"Alex!" she slapped him lightly.
"It's true!" he laughed. "We've been going out for years, wouldn't have lasted this long if I hadn't been paying some attention to you, babe."
"True," Amanda conceded with a smile.
"And, unless you're not telling me something, you're not psychic. I can pick up Mindi from three blocks away when she really wants me to. I know what room of the house you're in - when we're in the same house. Right now, I can tell what you're feeling, but that's it."
"Really?"
"Swear to God."
"But..."
"Amanda Latona, I'm still *me* and I am still so head over heels for you it's sick. Now shut up and kiss me."
She looked into his eyes for a long moment, looking for any sign of hesitation, any lie. Finding none, she gave in and kissed him. "Know what I'm thinking right now?"
"Hmm... let me see... you're glad Nick's not here anymore?"
"Exactly."