| Lina -
I know this is against the rules, but I could give a shit. Nick's falling apart. We've all gotten real good at sheilding ourselves and each other from the public when things get hard, but in private he's a wreck. He's scared shitless of finding out why you left, but he's got a right to know. I'm leaving your name on the guest list for every show from Denver to Halifax. If you care about him the way he wants you to, you'll show up. - Alex McLean |
Lina stared at the letter, willing it to disappear. He had found her. How had he found her? There was really only one answer to that, an answer she didn't want to think about -- the internet.
"Dammit," she whispered. She had just gotten fully comfortable online again, deciding that he wasn't interested anymore. But if he was, he could find her again. A.J. had found her, probably not knowing more than what she looked like... Lina shook herself. *He* already had this address, and her phone number.
"Hello darling," the phone line was bad but the voice was unmistakable.
"I think you've got the wrong number." It was a new year, a new residence, he didn't have this number. The switchboard wasn't supposed to give out numbers!
"Are you sure?" he teased her in a paternal tone as infuriating as it was terrifying. She slammed down the phone, hands shaking. It rang again almost immediately. She hit the release button, then knocked the reciever off the hook.
Nick's concern began to worm its way into her consciousness. Lina fought to keep him out -- this wasn't his problem! She had been half-ashamed of her internet romance even before it blew up in her face. Now, she didn't deserve the attempts at comfort her partner was pushing on her. But she was tired, scared and alone. Eventually, he won.
It was 6 in the morning in Germany, time for Nick to start another hectic day. Since he couldn't visit to talk or even give his partner a much-needed hug, he pulled on her, giving her just enough time to settle into bed before bringing her completely into his own mind. She surrendered reluctantly to the rush of memories and feelings, keeping, as always, a little part of herself back. He knew her reasons. One more had added itself to the list - that something be kept safe, should he ever decide to turn on her, as *he* had done.
Never, he assured her with force and passion, but no accusation whatsoever. Trusting was hard for both of them. He left it at that. She felt guilty for even thinking about it as the familiar feeling of safety and love that came from being anywhere near Nick took hold over her again.
As he discovered what was wrong and stilled her fear, other guilt surfaced. He called her on it. You can't make me go out on dates *and* feel guilty about having a relationship. Doesn't work that way. I didn't resent him any more than you resent anyone I've dated.
And of course she resented them. Resented them for having what she couldn't have. Resented him for *not* waiting for her, even as her sensible side knew she didn't want him giving things up for her. But so had he. It was something they didn't talk about - that neither of them wanted this arrangement, that Nick's doubts about *him* had been partly out of jealousy. Jealousy at how Lina lit up the first time he saw her picture and called her beautiful. Anger at the many people in her life that had made her believe otherwise, resentment that he couldn't convince her himself. She knew he cared for her, but other than in rare moments of oneness like this one, wouldn't let herself believe he was actually attracted to her. And he couldn't prove it - it would have led to other things, deeper commitments, added complications.
Forget about it she ordered fiercely, not wanting to deal with that now, longing to lose herself instead in his life for a few hours, to curl up behind his eyes and be with him as only she could.
"I pushed him away," she realised. "He was trying to help me through that, and I wouldn't let him." For possibly the first time, Lina recognized how blind she had been. While protecting herself from her partner, waiting for guarantees, she hadn't noticed how it hurt him. Nick had always been patient and understanding, waiting for her to be ready. "But there's only so much pushing someone can take. Was *that* why he wouldn't reach out to me?"
Survival mode, the kind of thinking Nick had locked into while dying on the bus, wasn't about waiting or patience. It was here-and-now, whatever it took to stay alive. If somewhere deep down, Nick couldn't trust her to hang on to him no matter what, of course he was going to go for someone else.
As the idea sank in, a more horrible one presented itself. She had pushed him away a lot - had she pushed him away beyond getting him back?